.....MY LITTLE DIARY TO YOU....

    Stop picking up his calls, stop replying to his messages....because I dont know what to say and how to explain my feelings....I thought that today was finally gonna be a good day for us to make up for whatever happened....but no...it deepened the differences between us....
    Its almost like when you try to untie knots on a string, you end up with even more knots....and even if you do succeed, the string will never be perfectly straight again....there will be wrinkles on it....thats how I can describe the current situation....
    Why should I feel a reluctance to hold him or just hold his hands??...I want to get rid of these tensions, its so hard to deal with....
    lol....this is funny...he just called...i picked up just when he hang up...is this really what we are destined to?? then it sucks...everything sucks....

       Stupid Stupid Stupid...thats all I can say today at this very moment...to everything....Things suck....and I know I have myself to blame partially....but I am confused and very unhappy....
       A lot of stupid ideas got into my head today...there were times I was about to do the most stupid thing ever....but there will be times when I wont be able to control and hold on to these thoughts anymore....I am always good with keeping things to myself....but there have been times when I just let things go....and I dont want that to happen....I am going to sleep now...hopefully sleep will help to calm me down....since it didnt help me at all last nite....got even moodier this morning....but tomorrow I want to be back to normal again....

    Hi there all, long long time no see.....haven't got time to seriously sit down and enter any blogs for nearly 2 months....
    Just woke up today....and feeling a bit mixed up inside...with all the unhappiness of things in life....
    I have been feeling very content since going out with Thupten...really happy and calm....but feeling like there is still sth missing out of those happiness...maybe my family...I start to miss them dearly lately....and my older bro...havent heard from him for 6 months...I wish all the best for him...wanna talk to him again....
    The grey cloudy sky, the rain, the cold....all of those things making everything around me look so doomed....
    But yeah woke up just then, and all of these thoughts came up to my mind...thought would be wise to write them down so I dont keep them bottling up inside....
    Anyway I will cya all soon k...(maybe not really soon lol)

   Hey...guess what?? Now i do agree that woman is the most undecisive creature on earth....i just told thupten that i would never like him as more than a friend...and now i cant even look at him as a friend anymore...more like a man now...

Read the rest of this entry ... (64 words left)

    I have to study with thupten and chris today....whenever chris is around...no stress...and so i could talk freely to two of them...and times like this...when only me and thupten in the room...there would be an endless quietness....and it feels like those times are when my feelings are overflowing....i dont know about him...but maybe its just becos of what happening earlier on....i would be ok later on hopefully...after getting myself occupied with some more shits....
    Anyway that would be it for today....ill cya all later....

    If any of you out there happen to come through my blogs and actually read them, I feel sorry for you...hehehe...cos there are times that I actually wonder how come my life is so hectic and unpredictable....not like i am the one causing it to be that way...it is like a rollercoaster...
    Before, my life wasnt this bad....but then all of the sudden, its just like one snow falling from the sky to indicate that the winter is starting and then the whole hell of snows follow on after that...yeah first was the incident with Michael, then Hamish, and now Thupten....wondering if there is anything else that would come later on?? but well I think I am at least strong enuff now to deal with the problems....
    Anyway straight to the point, I had a great and relaxing talk with Thupten today...well nothing really exciting...but at least it will help me to feel more confident to face him tomorrow....not like Ive done anything wrong....none of us....just the shitty fate....yeah for now im just gonna blame the shit fate to cause all of these problems....
   Anyway i think the herbal sleeping pill starts to take effect now...so yeah id better go and lay down...ill cya all later ok...bibibi

    have u ever regretted ur actions?? cos rite now i really am regretting about what i did to thupten...i must have hurt him a lot...this is also the 1st time i feel so painful to hurt some guy who likes me...if it was michael, ill just be like "Fuck him"....but Thupten is different...i love him as a friend and as a man...
    the nights are getting colder...and here i am still alone...sitting here and holding onto my overflowing feelings to myself....i am sad...

     It's over....i dont know myself anymore...i just missed out on such a good chance....Thupten is a perfect guy for me...but i am scared...there are so many things that i am not ready to share with anyone yet....ill just keep them to myself for the rest of my life...im so sorry...sorry for my sad life....
     but i believe that there will be one day i would fall in love for real...i mean for real...and for real this time....
     this is the 1st time in my life to cry so much over a guy and to a fallen love....i cried so much...and learned that crying would make u feel so much better....at least i have got to let it all out....

    Ok...I have just getting myself into more and more shits....
   I'm bascially torn between whether to be Thupten's gf or not...not like its a bad thing...just that i cant imagine myself going out with any of my best friends...he has been helping me all the time...always be there to back me up...through my ups and downs...I would have figured out his feelings to me sooner...if I did, I would not have to dealt with all these confusions...
   I like him...call me insensitive...but I definitely wasnt prepared for this...
   All my cousins were like "Yeah he is rich!! and he likes u!! Go for it!! Don't miss this chance"!!!!! but noone thinks about my feelings, I can't get used to an idea of getting all lovey-dovey with a man that I would never like him as much as He likes me....and I can't make use of someone just for my personal advantages...thats like the sinest thing on earth for me...my theory for my guy is any guy, no matter how poor or wealthy he is...as long as I feel that rush of feelings around him...which not yet happen with Thupten and I would be sure that it would never happen...
    Arggggg I'm screwed....I'm completely screwed...How I hope I can return to the past and choose some other path...so I would never have to come accross Michael, Hamish and Thupten....and maybe some more other guys that mite pop up later....
   There is a thin line in my personality that would never allow me to lie to myself or to anyone else about my feelings...cos with me, my feelings is the most important thing...I'd kill myself if I marry some rich guy without any feeling to him....
  
  Anyway I feel better now...Not like anyone gonna read this...I dont know how BlogHi is not popular...its great and secretive...noone is gonna care...and hence u have ur privacy...
  Anyway Ill cya all very very very soon...with all of my fcked up feelings....

    I would say that thupten's confession was so out of the question...never thought it would never happen....it pleases me...but also worries me at the same time...what if I end up hurting him like his old gf?? that would suck...cos we still have 2 years to go in university...
    But I would give this a chance...cos ive been holding back for so long...always thought that Ive been giving up on getting a guy...Ill see if Thupten can help me to change my point of view on this matter...
    Anyway...cya all later